I'm
not a parent so I cannot write a review of a parenting book from
experience. Nonetheless, I do have some observations about this book.
This is a critical review so is a long one.
Ellen
starts out by declaring that she thinks many of the parenting experts
have gotten it wrong when it comes to discipline. They fail to
communicate about discipleship and fail to help parents know how to
teach their kids to desire right and know the love God has for them.
That's what this book is about.
She
identifies four pillars the authors look at with each topic.
Discipleship not discipline: disciple kids' hearts to want to behave,
let the Bible be your guide. Desire, not obedience: teach kid's to
desire what is right, do not demand thoughtless obedience. Connection,
not control: show them you care. Growth, not assistance: let kids
solve their own problems. The authors explore a number of topics
using those four pillars.
There
is a great deal I liked in this book. I like how the authors remind
parents that every little behavior is about a whole lot more,
revealing inner character. I like how they remind parents the
necessity of prayer and being led by God. Parents are to look at each
situation as an opportunity to speak to their child's heart. I like
that they emphasize parenting by example.
But
there were also a few things that bothered me. One was mixed
messages. On the chapter Drifting Apart, Ellen writes: “We have to
make our relationship with our preteens and teens less about what
they do – their clothes, their performance at the soccer game,
their decisions to wear all black – and more about who they are.”
I would think that what kids do and wear on the outside is an indication of
who they are on the inside and that parents should pay attention to
their children's actions. This is one of the mixed messages from the
authors because in the chapter Free to Be Modest, Ellen writes:
“...you have to intentionally work to get to know the reasons
behind her clothing choices. Make it your aim to find out … the
reasons behind her clothing choices.” So which is it, we don't have
concern about what our kids wear or we do?
Another
mixed message is about the inner character of a child. The authors
fail to recognize the effects of the Fall in many places. In a letter
to a concerned parent, we read, “I honestly believe that kids like
James and Will aren't inherently mean or destructive or even
disobedient at heart.” I disagree, especially if the child is not
saved. We know from Scripture that the heart is deceitful. But then,
in the chapter about conflicts, “We have to overcome our natural
bent to handle things in an unhealthy way.” Here it seems the
authors do recognize the natural bent in the unsaved to sin. So which
is it? Are children not inherently bent to sin or are they?
Much
of the authors' philosophy of parenting relies on the child's ability
to make wise choices. They suggest lots of talking with the child,
perhaps so they can choose future behavior or rethink bad behavior.
This would only work for older children, ones who have the ability to
reason way beyond immediate feelings and desires. I have no idea how
the authors' techniques could work with young children. Also, I think
we need to remember that the Bible tells us the heart is deceitful. I
can just see a young teen figuring out that he can avoid punishment
by being willing to talk about his behavior, promising better
behavior in the future.
Unfortunately,
the theology in the book is fuzzy. In the chapter about faith, they
write about knowing who Jesus is and what he's done. We are told that
knowledge is followed by passions and a desire to be intimate with
God. There was never a clear message about salvation and the
transformation that occurs in a child's spirit. There is never a
reminder to talk with your child about saving faith or leading them
to accept Jesus as their Savior.
There
are some techniques that bother me as well. They use aversion
tactics. When writing about outbursts of anger, we are told, “give
your kid something else to do – something helpful – at that
moment when the spark flares...” Is that truly helping the child
deal with the anger and its cause? Here is another suggestion I find
unsatisfactory. “So the key for when your kids are ungrateful is
this: simply ignore it. Shrug.” Walk away and take treats and
special stuff with you. Is that using the occasion as a teaching
opportunity? And in the chapter about bullying, Erin says she was
taught by her mother to say with a dull voice, “I don't care about
that anyway.” She was told that no matter how much she cared, she
was not to show any emotion to the bully. I think that is setting up
a child for hiding emotions and hurt.
I
do recommend this book but with reservations. It is a good one for
parents who want to be intentional in their parenting. The authors
provide many examples of parenting moments and how their techniques
work. They even provide some examples of bad parenting moments and
the lessons one can learn from them. I would suggest readers
seriously think through the suggestions given. There are many good
ideas in this book but some I do think need further evaluating
before using.
My
rating: 3/5 stars.
Erin
MacPherson is the author of The Christian Mama's Guide series, the
Hot Mama series, and Free to Parent. She cohosts the popular
So Here's the Thing podcast with Kathi Lipp, speaks at MOPS, appears
on various radio shows and podcasts, and writes for magazines and
publications. She and her husband are the parents of three young
kids. You can find out more at www.ChristianMamasGuide.com
and www.erinmacpherson.com.
Ellen
Schuknecht is the author of Free to Parent and the forthcoming
A Spiritual Heritage. She and her husband live in Austin,
Texas, near their three adult children and their spouses, and their
eleven grandchildren. After spending more than forty years in
education as a teacher, counselor, and school administrator, she
currently serves as the Family Ministries Director at Veritas
Academy. You can find out more at www.familywings.org.
Faith
Words, 240 pages.
I
received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher. My
comments are an independent and honest review.
There
is a wealth of wisdom in Proverbs. Perhaps you've read through it,
like I have, but have had difficulty organizing the information into
principles for life.
Mitch
Kruse is known for his contribution to the collector car and real
estate auction arenas. For seventeen years, he was owner, CEO, and
auctioneers of the world's largest collector car sales organization.
Kruse and his father developed the world's first auction park, home
to the annual Auburn, Indiana, collector car auction that attracted
three hundred thousand collectors each year. Mitch, his wife, and
their four daughters live in Auburn, Indiana, on their family farm,
homesteaded by Kruse's great-great-great grandfather in 1854. You can
find out more at www.mitchkruse.com.
D
J Williams has been in the entertainment industry and nonprofit
sector for twenty years. His writing credits include Restoration Road
with Mitch Kruse, The Disillusioned, Waking Lazarus, and contributing
writer for Holy Bible: Mosaic. Currently based in Los Angeles,
Williams continues to add to his producing and directing credits by
continuously developing new projects for television, film, and print.
